I have executive dysfunction – It means that I have cognitive, behavioural, and emotional difficulties. I have a hard time planning, and organization is something I really struggle with. But as a child I was never diagnosed.

Because of this, when I was younger, my teachers didn’t understand. I was constantly told that I needed to try harder, that I needed to take another look, that I needed to double check everything. My desk was a mess and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep it organized. I blamed myself. If only I could try harder, if only I used an agenda, if only I could be like every other perfect little girl. Even my binders and duotangs had war wounds. My mom helped me though, trying to keep me on track.

I remember one particular incident when I was about nine years old.

There was a teacher that I absolutely loved, and she was really great with me. One day she gave the class a test.

It was the longest written test that I had ever done in my life at the time, but I finished it.

When I handed it in, she sent me back to my seat, telling me to “check it over again”, “make sure you’ve got everything the way you want it to” and “are you sure this is finished?”. She sent me back to my seat three times.

I was crushed because this was a teacher I liked. I thought she was the greatest teacher ever but here she was saying that I was doing it wrong…and I didn’t understand what was different from everyone else. Every other kid was standing up and handing it in no problem. Finally, I stood up and said to her all in a rush “I checked it twice, there are NO mistakes.”

That was the point when she looked at me with pity in her eyes and said to me “I’m sorry sweetheart, but I can’t read this.”

I don’t remember what happened next or if I finished the test. I just remember going back to my dash and trying not to cry. I was supposed to be smart but my own teacher couldn’t read my test. I was sort of aware that my printing was messy, but I could read it and assumed everyone else could too.

Later on, I saw my test again – it was just absolutely awful. Completely illegible, even by grade two standards. Letters had no clear endings, and the words were all just connected into one long word.

It’s like the effort and care I put into the test didn’t show. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I double checked everything, the results of my life came up messy.

Why couldn’t I be like all the other girls?

Comic illustrated by Jasmine Schuett