Not All Women Are Maternal

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Not All Women are Maternal

Panel 1

[Image] A girl with short brown hair kneeling on the floor and playing with a doll.

[Caption] By age 10, I already knew I didn’t want children.

Panel 2

[Image] Two women facing the reader. One is kneeling, and one is bending over. Both are smiling.

[Caption] Adults laughed and didn’t believe me. I never changed my mind.

Woman 1: Aw
Woman 2: You’ll change your mind!

Panel 3

[Caption] When I began having sex, I took every precaution to prevent a pregnancy.

Panel 4

[Image] The girl, now grown up, holding a baby and looking unhappy.

[Caption] Nonetheless, I became pregnant and I had a daughter.

Panel 5

[Image] A photograph of the woman and a man, both of whom are smiling. The man is holding a baby. The picture is halfway torn between the woman and the man.

[Caption] People told me I’d change, that I would become fiercely loving and have a special bond. It just didn’t happen.

Panel 6

[Image] The half of the picture, now fully torn off, of the father holding the baby.

[Caption] A couple years later, the father and I split up. We knew it would be best for everyone if she went with him. I saw my daughter four more times before she died at age 28.

Panel 7

[Image] The other side of the torn photo, with the woman smiling.

[Caption] “There’s a special place in hell for women like you!” “What kind of woman wouldn’t want children?” “How dare you, children are a gift from God.” “I would NEVER do anything like that, no matter what the circumstance!” “I can’t believe how selfish people like you are.”

Panel 8

[Caption] Would they say this to a father who understood that it was best for the child to live with the mother? The comments are almost always from other women. I still feel the judgment and condemnation every day. But some of us just aren’t maternal.

Panel 9

[Image] The woman, in a uniform, holding another woman, who looks bruised and dirty.

[Caption] I poured my heart and soul as a paramedic.

Panel 10

[Image] Two silhouettes in the foreground, facing each other. One has a fist raised, and the other is pointing a finger at the opposite silhouette. In the background, the woman, as a girl, is standing, looking at the fighting silhouettes, with her arms crossed and looking upset.

[Caption] And some of us are afraid we’d only perpetuate the abuse we grew up with.

Panel 11

[Caption] “I would NEVER do anything like that, no matter what the circumstance.” But you’ve never lived my circumstance. I wish that motherhood wasn’t expected of all of us.

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Full story

I knew when I was ten, playing with my Barbie Dolls, that I did not want children. When other girls would play house and talk about what they would name their children, I already knew that would not be a question I would ever have to answer. Of course people would laugh and shake their heads, telling me I would change my mind “when I was older.” But I never did.

When I began having sex I was very careful to not become pregnant. I took birth control pills without fail; however, after eight years of faithfully being on birth control, I nonetheless became pregnant with my daughter. So despite my lack of interest in children, I became a mother. But I never bonded with her or really even cared about her the way a fierce mother is supposed to care for her children. Despite all the advice I had been told over the years, I never became a particularly maternal person. I didn’t (and still don’t) go gaga over babies, or think about children; I just don’t want them, period.

When my daughter was two years and two months old, her father decided to leave me and return to his home and parents. We both decided she would go with him. We also knew that I would most likely never again be involved with her care. That was, indeed, the case. I saw her four more times before she died at age 28.

I still feel the judgment and condemnation of others. I still live with that pain on a daily basis and have no one to talk to about it. Often the comments are sanctimonious in nature. “I would never do anything like that, no matter what the circumstances.” Or, “What kind of woman would not want children?” Or (my favorite,) “Children are a gift from God…” The fervently religious folk get really nasty up to and including comments about my spiritual nature, and that there must be a ‘special place in hell…’ Almost always these comments are from other women.

Then there are the assumptions that a woman who does not want children must be extremely selfish, self-centered, or just plain narcissistic. Speaking only for myself, I was a paramedic for 15 years in which time people puked, pooped, or peed on or near me. I lovingly cleaned them up first and then whatever other mess there was. I am pragmatic but not selfish. Some of us are also afraid we would only perpetuate the abuse and neglect since that is what we have known (This is an entirely different story for another day).

Women are expected to naturally be good mothers, no matter who we are, but that can be a damaging stereotype. People that are ‘not cutout for parenthood,’ may simply be too busy, have an illness, or not want to bring children into our troubled world. And then there are those of us who are just not maternal. That would be me. Never have been, never will. I wish that motherhood wasn’t expected of all of us.

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Comments

7 responses to “Not All Women Are Maternal”

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  1. drfhjkhgdf says: |
    July 21, 2014 at 9:04 am

    My Mum wasn’t maternal to me at all. She should never have had me and I wish she’d known better. I love being alive and all, but she was not cut out for parenting. I wish this idea that all women are maternal would go away so people would pay attention to the signs of who is or isn’t going to be an okay Mum. If being not wanting children had been acceptable maybe she wouldn’t have had me.

  2. Erin Katherine says: |
    July 21, 2014 at 11:53 am

    You are not alone and you have at least one other woman in this world who, though not understanding your particular set of life conditions, empathizes deeply with you and is by your virtual side.

  3. L says: |
    July 22, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    You are very brave, never doubt that. Parenthood is not for everyone and shouldn’t be something pushed as mandatory. I never want children either and am sticking to that decision. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that and I wish the best for you in the future.

  4. julie says: |
    September 21, 2014 at 7:10 am

    My mom was never maternal either although she tried. Nevertheless all 3 of us (including a son from a different father) felt it would be best to stay with my dad since they are separated. I never felt like a great baby caretaker (i’m just not much of a baby or toddler person) but I get along great with older kids and teens so parenting my son has been much easier the older he gets. It’s much easier to communicate with him.

  5. Sue Dot says: |
    April 27, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    I’m not at all maternal though married and we have plenty of nephews & nieces. Must admit, I don’t like kids – no parental control these days. My mother was very strict & always put me down; plus I was bullied as a child. Now I have mental health problems, so wouldn’t be an appropriate adult to become a mother.

  6. Tinky says: |
    May 23, 2015 at 4:25 am

    I’m not sure whether I’d be a good mother, and I’m not in any particular hurry to become one. But I’m getting to an age (30) where I’m starting to get questioned – by everyone but my own mother. When I brought it up she simply said “don’t bother with those people, you don’t “HAVE TO”, anything! You know what’s best.”, which has been a great aid to me.

    You did the same. You knew your child was better off with her father, and took the steps towards it.

  7. Luis says: |
    September 1, 2015 at 10:02 am

    That’s a wise answer to a tricky queitson

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